That mule is in high demand…

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways…

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.'”


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The last thing he did…

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, the inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is brought forward to make a statement. “Okay Thompson,” says the investigator, “you were near the scene, what happened?”

“Well, it’s like this. Old Jimmy Wrangle was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.”

“He was smoking in the mixing room?” the investigator said in stunned horror, “How long had he been with the company?”

“About twenty years, sir”

“Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I’d have thought it would have been the last thing he’d have done.”

“It was, sir.”


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Always come prepared.

Aunt Angie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?”

The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.”

She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?”

Again he went through his tables.

“Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”

Aunt Angie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.


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That’s thinking right there…

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sir!”

General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”

General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”

Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sir!”

General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!” As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?”

Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sir!”


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We must have answers.

A man gathered all of his children together and said “Children, when George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, he told his father honestly that it was him, now answer me honestly, Who knocked over the outhouse?”

Finally the youngest son admitted it was him, at which point he received a lashing he wouldn’t soon forget. “That’s not fair,” complained the son, “George Washington didn’t get punished when he told the truth.”

“Son,” replied the Father, “The difference is, that George Washington’s  father wasn’t in the tree when he knocked it down!”


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Cured!

A lady went to a doctor’s office where she was seen by a Doctor. A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.

After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story. Moments later, the nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and shouted, “Shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”

The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”


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Low cost solution.

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath it.”

“Wow,” responded the psychiatrist, “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”

“OK,” responded the lady, “How much is each session?”

“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”

When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. “How come I didn’t hear from you?” He asked.

“Well,” responded the lady, “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he could solve the problem for much less money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”


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The least I could do…

Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street. The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.

The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”

“It’s the least I could do,” the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”


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Obviously…

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.”

“Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.”

“Can’t do that either” responds Jim.

“Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop.

“Well, because I’m drunk!”


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Too many sides…

The president of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation.

He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicious meal.

After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow society members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in it’s mouth.

“Isn’t that something,” says the president after only a moments pause, “all I did was order an apple, and look what all it comes with!”

 


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Thank God!

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse.

“Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream ‘heyhey’ the way to get him to go is to scream ‘Thank God.’

Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?”

Jim was having the time of his life. This horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “Stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going.

No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “Yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.

Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God!”


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Nicely played…

One day a man was walking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, “Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss.”

So the man agreed and made his first wish. “I want lots of money”, he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man’s bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss’ account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss’ house.

Finally the genie said, “This is your last wish, you should choose carefully,” and to this the man replied, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney…”


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Improvise to survive.

Two men are walking their dogs by a restaurant and one of them says, “That smells amazing! Lets get something.”

The other man replies, “But they don’t let dogs in, what are we going to do with them.”

The first man puts on a pair of sunglasses and has his friend do the same and says, “Follow my lead.”

He starts to walk into the restaurant and the waiter stops him, “You cannot bring dogs in here sir.”

The man gets offended, “Excuse me sir! This is my seeing eye dog, I am blind.”

The waiter questions this, “But your dog is a pit bull?”

The man replies, “I know, I am a very important person, I need protection as well.”

The first man passes through and the second man begins to walk through when the waiter stops him and asks him the same question. The man replies, “This is my seeing eye dog too.”

The waiter replies, “Really? A chihuahua?”

The man freaks out, “What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!”


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Rising medical costs…

A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig that appears to be sleeping. The woman waits as the vet inspects the pig. Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, “I’m sorry… But your pig is dead.”

The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, “Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something.”

The vet sighs and heads back to here office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.

The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.

The vet tells the woman, “See, your pig has definitely passed on.” The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.

The woman is again outraged, “$300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?”

The vet replies, “It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan.”

Rising medical costs… 1.00/5 (20.00%) 1 vote

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Don’t worry, the government can take care of it…

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?” So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.” So they laid off the night watchman.

Don’t worry, the government can take care of it… 1.00/5 (20.00%) 1 vote

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Now that is a long con…

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”

The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”

The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”

“Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back.”

The cop begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!” The cop pulls his hand out. “Wait here,” he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”


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You’ve gotta ask the right questions…

A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Do you have any grapes?”

The bartender says, “No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes.”

“Oh,” says the duck and leaves.

Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same bartender, “Do you have any grapes?”

“Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but we don’t have grapes!” says the bartender.

“Oh,” says the duck and leaves.

Ten minutes later the duck returns and again, asks, “Do you have any grapes?”

“Look, beak lips,” screams the bartender. “We have no grapes! We will never have grapes! And if you ask me again, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!”

“Oh,” says the duck and leaves.

Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The bartender is furious. He slams a bottle of beer down on the bar, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, “What?”

“Uh . . . uh . . . do you have any . . . nails?” the duck asks.

“Nails? Nails? No, we don’t have nails,” answers the bartender.

“Mmmm,” says the duck. “So, do you have any grapes?”


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Gotta do it right.

The building is all completed and awaiting hand over, before that can happen the buyer, Alex, wants some poor and incomplete work finished as is normal at these times.

A meeting is arranged between Alex, the main contractor and a sub-contractor, site agent, planning supervisor and site safety manager. A tour is planned of the building to look at relevant defects starting in the basement. Alex points out badly fitting window frames, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

“Green side up.”

They move to the first floor and Alex points out badly fitted and missing lights, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

“Green side up.”

On the 2nd floor more problems are highlighted, radiator leaking, exposed cables, waste and broken window frame, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

“Green side up.”

This is too much. The safety manager has to ask. So he says, “Every time you are told of a defect, you write it down, but then the subbie yells out the window, ‘Green side up.’ What on earth does that mean?”

The sub-contractor shakes his head ruefully and says, “I have four blokes laying turf around the building.”

Gotta do it right. 4.00/5 (80.00%) 1 vote

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A dead-ringer…

After Quasimodo’s death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.

Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

Bishop Thomas was incredulous. “You have no arms.”‘

”No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

A dead-ringer… 4.00/5 (80.00%) 1 vote

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The conversation.

I was coming back from visiting my son in my Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?”

Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn’t in the habit of conversing with the people next to me in the stall, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine” I said “thanks for asking.”

“What are you doing?” Asked the same voice.

To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m releaving myself.”

Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smart-aleck is answering all of my questions.”

The conversation. 4.00/5 (80.00%) 1 vote

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