Hehe! Even bigger sucker…

A man was stopped by the fish and game-warden in Northern Idaho recently. He had with him two buckets of fish. He was leaving Robinson Lake, well known for its great fishing.

The fish and game warden asked the man: ‘Do you have a license to catch all those fish?’

The man replied to the game warden: ‘No, sir. These are my pet fish.’

‘Pet fish?’ the warden replied.

‘Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around. After a while, I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them back home again.’

‘That’s a bunch of hogwash! Fish can’t do that!’ was the outburst from the Warden.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said: ‘Here, I’ll show you. It really works.’

‘O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!’ The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the two buckets of fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, ‘Well?’

‘Well, what?’ the man responded.

‘When are you going to call them back?’ The game warden prompted.

‘Call who back?’ The man asked.

‘The FISH.’ the warden said.

‘What fish?’ The man asked.

Hehe! Even bigger sucker… 5.00/5 (100.00%) 1 vote

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Hehe! Sucker…

One day two men were fishing, when a Game Warden slipped up on them and asked to see their fishing licences.

One of the men took off running. So the warden started chasing him. He ran after the man up and down the side of the river, thru the swamp, up the side of a mountain, the man swam across the river with the warden right behind him. Then he swam back across the river with the warden still right behind him.

Finaly after about three miles of chasing the game warden caught up with the man, bleeding and out of breath the warden asked to see his fishing licence. The man reached in his pocket and pulled out his licence and handed it to the warden.

The warden asked why did you run? The man just looked at the warden and smiled and said: ‘my friend doesn’t have a licence!’


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Whew! What a relief…

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. “Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.

“Aw, Dad, it’s okay” the son said. “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”


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Woohoo!

Jimmie was speeding along the Interstate Highway when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer wrote out the ticket and handed it to him.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled Jimmie as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

“Keep it,” said the officer. “When you collect four of them you get a bicycle.”


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What a jerk…

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse face. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.


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Or used to be anyway…

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet!!!” snapped the officer. “…or I’m going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But officer, I just wanted to say….”

“And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you’re going to jail!”

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” said the man in the cell. “I’m the groom!”


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One way or another, they’ll get the culprit…

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”


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Poor Pa…

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. “Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in and have dinner with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.”

“That’s mighty nice of you, ” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Awe, come on,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish !” the neighbour said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon.”


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I just don’t get it…

A man loved to play golf. It was the one activity he looked forward to every week. One Saturday, he returned home from a scheduled three-some much earlier than his wife expected. She asked him why he was home so early.

“Do you want to play golf with someone who whines about every shot, complains about everything on the course, and makes noises when you’re trying to make an important shot?”, he asked.

“No, I don’t,” answered his wife.

“Neither did they!”


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The struggle is real…

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”


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No worries…

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

“Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ’em.”


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The World Cup Final

A German man had tickets to the 2014 World Cup Final, first row right on the halfway line. As he sat down, a man came and asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him.

“No,” he said, “sit right down. The seat will be empty.”

“That’s incredible!” said the man. “Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the Final and then not use it?”

The German said, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago.”

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbor – to take her seat?”

The German shook his head sadly. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”


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Quite simple, really…

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, sky diving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”


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Needed the right man for the job.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”


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Not worry, we’ll be right back…

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “one of the engines just blew up!”

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “aren’t those parachutes?”

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”

“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”


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The saddest of them all.

Jay, Tom and Paul were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Jay said to Tom and Paul, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Tom can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Paul will tell sad stories for the rest of the way.”

At the 26th floor, Jay stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Tom stopped singing and Paul began to tell sad stories.

“I will tell my saddest story I know first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car.”


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I’m from the government…

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “Look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull……

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”


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Justice!

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard. The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

“Hello Johnny, what are you up to?” he asked.

“My goldfish died and I’m gonna bury him,” Johnny replied.

“That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbor.

“That’s because he’s inside your cat!”


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He always was a kind-hearted kid…

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”


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It’s crazy out here…

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cellphone. “Honey”, she says in a worried voice, “be careful. There was a report on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway.”

“It’s worse than that”, he replies, “there are hundreds of them!”


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